Fuck this shit.

My first tear rolled as I begin this post.

Yes i suppose to sleep, Yes I suppose to but.. You might be thinking, then why are you up blogging, shouldn't you be resting? Yupp, totally agreeing with you. But I have been working just few hours ago, and for the entire whole day sleeping, And now I really need to pen down my thoughts somewhere?

You know. It's like you're screaming, and no one can hear. You almost feel ashamed that someone could be that important, that without them, you feel like nothing. No one will ever understand how much it hurts. You feel hopeless, like nothing can save you and when it's over, and it's gone. You almost wish that you could have all that bad stuff back, so that you could have the good.

Didn't know that I was so lousy. Those walls that I have been building up, finally broke though by some random people and there I was shattered on the floor. At night I lived it all, all over again. I am hopeless, I really am. It's cute and cool how some people try to reassure sure you with whatever they have and most of the times are just words, but I always fall for words. Always. I am very sensitive to words.

Today was a horrible day, Almost every night I have the exact same dream. The whole dream was the same, the whole routine was the same. It's crazy. I couldn't sleep properly, cause the first thing I do once I'm awake is to check them. It's really funny how someone left such a huge impact on you and when you mean nothing to them at all. Like you are dispensable, like you are just there for their back and call.

That's very fragile to begin with. I am just someone who you need to cheer you up when shits happened. I guess I was right, humans are just like that, they are afraid of loneliness, so even when the wrong ones come along, they would just play and when they are doing and feeling better they will chuck him/her aside. How ugly. I am so messed up to keep meeting this kind of people.

So Why the flying fuck do I still care about what others feel? When am I gonna start thinking about how I feel? When am I gonna start caring for myself? Fucking when? Can't you see that no one fucking cares even when you are on the verge of dying, taking more than 36 tablets per day coughing your fucking throat out? They are still making merry. Who cares if you are alive or not. All they care is about themselves. So what if I cared? It doesn't really matter does it? It's taken for granted. No? Why not let others care for them? Why me? Stupid girl. When you are sitting on your bed venting all these frustrations with tears flowing down your ugly face, who the fuck give two hoots about it? Stupid girl. Wake the fuck up. No one cares about you. You are fucking ugly and stupid. No wait, more than stupid. You are meant to be played your whole life. You are an idiot. Stupid idiot. Literally.

The art of getting over someone as fast as possible. The art of.. Thank you so much.

Puffy eyes, let's sleep.