Jealousy

Jealousy is a secondary emotion and typically refers to the negative thoughts and feelings of insecurity, fear, and anxiety over an anticipated loss of something that the person values, particularly in reference to a human connection.

Fuck this shit.

My first tear rolled as I begin this post.

Yes i suppose to sleep, Yes I suppose to but.. You might be thinking, then why are you up blogging, shouldn't you be resting? Yupp, totally agreeing with you. But I have been working just few hours ago, and for the entire whole day sleeping, And now I really need to pen down my thoughts somewhere?

You know. It's like you're screaming, and no one can hear. You almost feel ashamed that someone could be that important, that without them, you feel like nothing. No one will ever understand how much it hurts. You feel hopeless, like nothing can save you and when it's over, and it's gone. You almost wish that you could have all that bad stuff back, so that you could have the good.

Didn't know that I was so lousy. Those walls that I have been building up, finally broke though by some random people and there I was shattered on the floor. At night I lived it all, all over again. I am hopeless, I really am. It's cute and cool how some people try to reassure sure you with whatever they have and most of the times are just words, but I always fall for words. Always. I am very sensitive to words.

Today was a horrible day, Almost every night I have the exact same dream. The whole dream was the same, the whole routine was the same. It's crazy. I couldn't sleep properly, cause the first thing I do once I'm awake is to check them. It's really funny how someone left such a huge impact on you and when you mean nothing to them at all. Like you are dispensable, like you are just there for their back and call.

That's very fragile to begin with. I am just someone who you need to cheer you up when shits happened. I guess I was right, humans are just like that, they are afraid of loneliness, so even when the wrong ones come along, they would just play and when they are doing and feeling better they will chuck him/her aside. How ugly. I am so messed up to keep meeting this kind of people.

So Why the flying fuck do I still care about what others feel? When am I gonna start thinking about how I feel? When am I gonna start caring for myself? Fucking when? Can't you see that no one fucking cares even when you are on the verge of dying, taking more than 36 tablets per day coughing your fucking throat out? They are still making merry. Who cares if you are alive or not. All they care is about themselves. So what if I cared? It doesn't really matter does it? It's taken for granted. No? Why not let others care for them? Why me? Stupid girl. When you are sitting on your bed venting all these frustrations with tears flowing down your ugly face, who the fuck give two hoots about it? Stupid girl. Wake the fuck up. No one cares about you. You are fucking ugly and stupid. No wait, more than stupid. You are meant to be played your whole life. You are an idiot. Stupid idiot. Literally.

The art of getting over someone as fast as possible. The art of.. Thank you so much.

Puffy eyes, let's sleep.

We're not here to make friends :)

Hi cookies, today will be a brand new day. Like really brand new. Things of yesterday might still be affecting you, but let's just say.. Do you even remember what happened like 7 days, couple of days ago? No right? You have to sort of think harder to remember them. Remember, friends come and go. Each and everyone of them is gonna show you what's pain, what's love, what's fun, what's laughter, what's tears. It might not be directly inflicted on you, but you still get to learn from them. Be thankful that you meet these kind of people, they screwed up your mind for a while just to let you realized that, not everyone whom you could talk to or get along with are called 'friends'. 'Friend' holds a stronger meaning than you actually know. Friends, real ones are those whom you could actually call at 5 or 3 in the morning, and know almost everything about you, what you did to them, what you've done for them without you actually telling them or talk to them everyday. Yes, it's upsetting how you spent so much time on them, with them, but you got craps in return. You have never lost anything, you've gained actually, a lot. You know how to protect yourself emotionally the next time round. I might be a little off topic, but I hope this will help you. Be happy, like how you have always been. This is not the worst yet.. at least you have someone to meet, someone to call, someone to cry to.

Every morning, ask yourself, what's the most important thing to you?

And if that most important thing is still around, you ought to feel happy..

And that's what he taught me.

I miss some people. I do. I miss a lot of them. A lot of them whom I am no longer on talking terms with. But.. He told me that, in life, we can't have everything.. So, you have to choose what you win and what you lose. It's really funny how we always complain that examinations are so hard to deal with.. But what I think is harder to deal with is.. life.

Now, chin up beautiful, you deserve better, so much better.